Revelation
(edit)
WARNING: I don't typically write like this, and I don't normally feel like this, either. I've decided to leave it as angry as it originally was for the sake of an authentic depiction of my emotions.
Today is the ninth day of April, and I have just come from my class on Biblical Literature. I did not learn anything today that shocked me or anything that seemed unrealistic. I did not see any need to question what was taught - not on a rational level, on an academic level, a scientific level, a spiritual level, an emotional level. The information that has been presented to me in this class and the topic matter discussed today - the life of Jesus - was not different in its presentation or treatment from the information I have received in any other history class I've taken. It was well-researched and well-warranted. I had no more spiritual qualms with this class than any other average lecture. This was just straight-up honest information.
It is 2013 - the year after the apocalypse, the revelation. I am sitting in a coffee shop on my college campus, and I have just inhaled a bar of chocolate. I left class half an hour ago after exposure to what I think is legitimate to call the first detailed, scientific, unbiased, realistic depiction of a man I've been told to worship all my life, and I am fucking livid.
The process I have experienced in redefining Christianity this past seven or eight months has been such an overwhelmingly life-giving, peace-giving, joyful, delighted, constructive process for me. I have been just as involved with religion as ever, if not more - I go somewhere on Sunday mornings, I sang The Messiah, I attend a Bible study, I talk about faith with friends. No part of this shift has been the product of doubt, turbulence, or a desire for escape. I came to a Christian college, y'all. I was never trying to leave Christianity. And I have found wonderful things. I have discovered a depth of faith I did not know was possible for me to have. Finally, I have fewer qualms than celebrations about that which is taught to me about religion. I have found little glimpses of Christianity through the culture. It is greatly pleasing to the eye, and good to eat.
Today is probably one of the first days I have been able to realize exactly how ridiculous it is what I am going through, and exactly how ironic it is. Exactly how disgusting it is. Exactly how justified I am in my anger. All my life - and especially upon entering my very rigorously academic, intellectual high school - I have been told to pursue Jesus with all I have in me, to learn about God, to really dive in and be curious and find what is true.
And over and over, all of these people - in school, out of school, in church, at youth group, at summer camps, at mission trips, people I have loved and respected and admired - have fed me a boatload of utter bullshit about who Jesus actually was. What the Bible actually is. What the Church actually is. It's a bunch of fairytales being presented as science in place of parable. It's denial, a bunch of wishful thinking, a bunch of attempts to justify the desire to preach "truths" to people for the sake of showing them truth without realizing to how hilariously irrational, backward, and uninformed those so-called "truths" actually are. I don't think I would be nearly as angry if it weren't presented the way it was, but let's face it: the reason so many people cling to these ways of thinking about it is because they're told that it is impossible to have faith without making these assertions. I know I was. I was scared shitless when I finally admitted to myself that Christianity couldn't be what I'd been told. I couldn't even do it, it was too hard. I ran away.
Since when does it have to be scary that natural laws really do function?
Since when is it a shock that history contains bias?
Since when must we take off our shoes and consecrate the ground when we talk about the man that we celebrate expressly for eliminating the need for a Holy of Holies?
For years and years and years, I have been told that there are these ridiculous patterns in the Bible, patterns of nearly impossible improbability whose existence grants the Church warrant to say Physics passed Go and collected $200. I have been fed all kinds of explanations I never felt comfortable with and was always told to accept based on faith - which I usually did, because I saw no other possibility. I have believed - and still believe - that God is everywhere and that God is not afraid of unbiased inquiry or of science or of history. So why the fuck have I never even heard of the many, many legitimate applications of these things to Christology? Why have I been told it is impossible to see things any other way?
Look, again, I love the Church. I love Christianity. I love the concepts this religion is founded on. I love that God has been made lowly, that the Old Law has been fulfilled, that love is what connects us to divinity, that we're called to give ourselves to our neighbors. I was told to give my life to these ideas, and goddammit, I did. I did everything they told me to - I asked honest questions and was fearless in my pursuit of truth and never doubted God, despite whatever troubles or questions, for anything.
Where am I now? Oh, where they said I could never conceivably end up if I did those things, and I find myself accusing them of not really following those rules themselves. I have discovered that a shit ton of fear and shelteredness is what held my religious education together - not just school and not just church, but the whole culture, from radio to camp to friends' churches to... basically everyone. I've discovered that Christianity is actually a gigantic, messy conglomeration of religious plurality my homogenous upbringing never wanted me to see. That there has never been a time when all Christians believed in incarnation and resurrection and trinity, when all these other things were required for a ticket in. The curtain has fucking torn, dear authorities. I was once blind, but now I see.
And this is what I see, motherfuckers: I see that, at least on an intellectual level, the contemporary Christian Church is utterly pathetic. Pitiable. Rancid. That it is fighting a losing battle against every one of the controversial dogmas it teaches. Abortion, homosexuality, women's rights, miracles, prayer, intervention, salvation, evangelism, the purpose of life, the source of morality... It is such a massive clot of contradictions that I'm ashamed that I was once fearful to leave.
Why am I still stupid enough to keep calling myself Christian? Why do I still choose, over and over again, every time I am repulsed and disgusted, to associate with all this shit? I mean, I'm obsessed with the Biblical narrative, and the core of the Judeo-Christian tradition is more beautiful than anything I know - I have come into a deeper relationship with God because of this tradition than I likely would have without it in my life. But the most relevant and amazing of the ideas I have discovered here are the very things that were most explicitly communicated to me I should never touch. I say sometimes that I like the idea of staying in the church so that I might contribute to the redemption of the name of Christianity. But why would I want others to adopt this label with so much baggage, this family with so many perfectly heritable psychological disorders, this mess of a culture that seems designed, at this point, to drag people into ignorance?
I've often felt that much of my faith life has been characterized by constant concession, constant attempts to understand those most different from me, attempts to build bridges between myself and those with whom I disagree most. I say all the above not because I hate any single person, but because I am freakishly irritated by the way the culture as a whole - on one hand, this culture I have this weird fondness for, and care about so much, and want so much to be respectable - has communicated the point of Christianity to me. And yes, I suppose that does include basically every single Christian person I knew before college, so you may be offended if you like. But know that I cannot and have not ever been able to find a way in my mind to hate or loose admiration for any of the people that have taught me all these things I hate and disrespect so much. In some unfathomable way, they seem to work in their minds - I don't see how, and I'm angry that they aren't bothered by these contradictions, but on a case-to-case basis, it's difficult to say anything.
My greatest wish for the Church is just that it would wake the fuck up and realize that it is losing swathes of awesome young people at an astonishing rate for the very rightest of reasons. That many more really should be leaving than that are. But I have seen the beauty of "Christ" - I have seen the truth this story is trying to communicate - I appreciate the goodness of those genuine Christian people I know (ironically, many of the same people that have become the greatest sources of my frustration) so much, I love the way they interact with each other, I love the way they interact with music and community, I love the reverence they have for life. I owe so much to my Christian upbringing and my Christian friends and teachers. On levels other than the intellectual, there is just SO much just sitting around to be redeemed, SO much that I find lacking outside of Christianity. But sometimes I feel like this is simply the point in history at which Christianity just can't figure out anymore how to be anything more than the Second Temple being torn down by the Romans, anything other than Jezebel being defenestrated by the zealots. And honestly, I'm cheering for them loudly as they do.
I think I'm going to buy myself another candy bar.
WARNING: I don't typically write like this, and I don't normally feel like this, either. I've decided to leave it as angry as it originally was for the sake of an authentic depiction of my emotions.
Today is the ninth day of April, and I have just come from my class on Biblical Literature. I did not learn anything today that shocked me or anything that seemed unrealistic. I did not see any need to question what was taught - not on a rational level, on an academic level, a scientific level, a spiritual level, an emotional level. The information that has been presented to me in this class and the topic matter discussed today - the life of Jesus - was not different in its presentation or treatment from the information I have received in any other history class I've taken. It was well-researched and well-warranted. I had no more spiritual qualms with this class than any other average lecture. This was just straight-up honest information.
It is 2013 - the year after the apocalypse, the revelation. I am sitting in a coffee shop on my college campus, and I have just inhaled a bar of chocolate. I left class half an hour ago after exposure to what I think is legitimate to call the first detailed, scientific, unbiased, realistic depiction of a man I've been told to worship all my life, and I am fucking livid.
The process I have experienced in redefining Christianity this past seven or eight months has been such an overwhelmingly life-giving, peace-giving, joyful, delighted, constructive process for me. I have been just as involved with religion as ever, if not more - I go somewhere on Sunday mornings, I sang The Messiah, I attend a Bible study, I talk about faith with friends. No part of this shift has been the product of doubt, turbulence, or a desire for escape. I came to a Christian college, y'all. I was never trying to leave Christianity. And I have found wonderful things. I have discovered a depth of faith I did not know was possible for me to have. Finally, I have fewer qualms than celebrations about that which is taught to me about religion. I have found little glimpses of Christianity through the culture. It is greatly pleasing to the eye, and good to eat.
Today is probably one of the first days I have been able to realize exactly how ridiculous it is what I am going through, and exactly how ironic it is. Exactly how disgusting it is. Exactly how justified I am in my anger. All my life - and especially upon entering my very rigorously academic, intellectual high school - I have been told to pursue Jesus with all I have in me, to learn about God, to really dive in and be curious and find what is true.
And over and over, all of these people - in school, out of school, in church, at youth group, at summer camps, at mission trips, people I have loved and respected and admired - have fed me a boatload of utter bullshit about who Jesus actually was. What the Bible actually is. What the Church actually is. It's a bunch of fairytales being presented as science in place of parable. It's denial, a bunch of wishful thinking, a bunch of attempts to justify the desire to preach "truths" to people for the sake of showing them truth without realizing to how hilariously irrational, backward, and uninformed those so-called "truths" actually are. I don't think I would be nearly as angry if it weren't presented the way it was, but let's face it: the reason so many people cling to these ways of thinking about it is because they're told that it is impossible to have faith without making these assertions. I know I was. I was scared shitless when I finally admitted to myself that Christianity couldn't be what I'd been told. I couldn't even do it, it was too hard. I ran away.
Since when does it have to be scary that natural laws really do function?
Since when is it a shock that history contains bias?
Since when must we take off our shoes and consecrate the ground when we talk about the man that we celebrate expressly for eliminating the need for a Holy of Holies?
For years and years and years, I have been told that there are these ridiculous patterns in the Bible, patterns of nearly impossible improbability whose existence grants the Church warrant to say Physics passed Go and collected $200. I have been fed all kinds of explanations I never felt comfortable with and was always told to accept based on faith - which I usually did, because I saw no other possibility. I have believed - and still believe - that God is everywhere and that God is not afraid of unbiased inquiry or of science or of history. So why the fuck have I never even heard of the many, many legitimate applications of these things to Christology? Why have I been told it is impossible to see things any other way?
Look, again, I love the Church. I love Christianity. I love the concepts this religion is founded on. I love that God has been made lowly, that the Old Law has been fulfilled, that love is what connects us to divinity, that we're called to give ourselves to our neighbors. I was told to give my life to these ideas, and goddammit, I did. I did everything they told me to - I asked honest questions and was fearless in my pursuit of truth and never doubted God, despite whatever troubles or questions, for anything.
Where am I now? Oh, where they said I could never conceivably end up if I did those things, and I find myself accusing them of not really following those rules themselves. I have discovered that a shit ton of fear and shelteredness is what held my religious education together - not just school and not just church, but the whole culture, from radio to camp to friends' churches to... basically everyone. I've discovered that Christianity is actually a gigantic, messy conglomeration of religious plurality my homogenous upbringing never wanted me to see. That there has never been a time when all Christians believed in incarnation and resurrection and trinity, when all these other things were required for a ticket in. The curtain has fucking torn, dear authorities. I was once blind, but now I see.
And this is what I see, motherfuckers: I see that, at least on an intellectual level, the contemporary Christian Church is utterly pathetic. Pitiable. Rancid. That it is fighting a losing battle against every one of the controversial dogmas it teaches. Abortion, homosexuality, women's rights, miracles, prayer, intervention, salvation, evangelism, the purpose of life, the source of morality... It is such a massive clot of contradictions that I'm ashamed that I was once fearful to leave.
Why am I still stupid enough to keep calling myself Christian? Why do I still choose, over and over again, every time I am repulsed and disgusted, to associate with all this shit? I mean, I'm obsessed with the Biblical narrative, and the core of the Judeo-Christian tradition is more beautiful than anything I know - I have come into a deeper relationship with God because of this tradition than I likely would have without it in my life. But the most relevant and amazing of the ideas I have discovered here are the very things that were most explicitly communicated to me I should never touch. I say sometimes that I like the idea of staying in the church so that I might contribute to the redemption of the name of Christianity. But why would I want others to adopt this label with so much baggage, this family with so many perfectly heritable psychological disorders, this mess of a culture that seems designed, at this point, to drag people into ignorance?
I've often felt that much of my faith life has been characterized by constant concession, constant attempts to understand those most different from me, attempts to build bridges between myself and those with whom I disagree most. I say all the above not because I hate any single person, but because I am freakishly irritated by the way the culture as a whole - on one hand, this culture I have this weird fondness for, and care about so much, and want so much to be respectable - has communicated the point of Christianity to me. And yes, I suppose that does include basically every single Christian person I knew before college, so you may be offended if you like. But know that I cannot and have not ever been able to find a way in my mind to hate or loose admiration for any of the people that have taught me all these things I hate and disrespect so much. In some unfathomable way, they seem to work in their minds - I don't see how, and I'm angry that they aren't bothered by these contradictions, but on a case-to-case basis, it's difficult to say anything.
My greatest wish for the Church is just that it would wake the fuck up and realize that it is losing swathes of awesome young people at an astonishing rate for the very rightest of reasons. That many more really should be leaving than that are. But I have seen the beauty of "Christ" - I have seen the truth this story is trying to communicate - I appreciate the goodness of those genuine Christian people I know (ironically, many of the same people that have become the greatest sources of my frustration) so much, I love the way they interact with each other, I love the way they interact with music and community, I love the reverence they have for life. I owe so much to my Christian upbringing and my Christian friends and teachers. On levels other than the intellectual, there is just SO much just sitting around to be redeemed, SO much that I find lacking outside of Christianity. But sometimes I feel like this is simply the point in history at which Christianity just can't figure out anymore how to be anything more than the Second Temple being torn down by the Romans, anything other than Jezebel being defenestrated by the zealots. And honestly, I'm cheering for them loudly as they do.
I think I'm going to buy myself another candy bar.
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